I’m starting to get tired of trying the hardest to make something work.
I just came across my old applications to Elon University, Johnson & Wales University, and Chestnut Hill College. I remember getting these I think my junior or senior year. It all reminds me of what I could of had if I had just applied myself more to school. I’m now stuck at a tech school and I’m 22 turning 23 this coming august. I really fucked up a lot of chances for myself. I should already be in my last year of college now and should already be looking for a place of my own. Why did I have to fuck everything up? Why couldn’t I have been more aware of my actions? Finding these just opened up old wounds and with this whole moving situation I’m feeling even more stressed and emotional than ever. I hate life.
Things are going to be really different soon.
I really enjoyed it. I know what I need and want.
Yes, I did this to myself and I will continue to beat myself up every now and then because of it. Only moving past it can change the way I feel and think about myself.
I was told 4 and not 3pm for my test. So what do I do, I show up at 4 nervous and ready to go only to find out this. All my hard work and plans this week especially tomarrow ruined. I feel like I let 3 people down. I’m sorry Mr. Ryan, I’m sorry Catherine, and I’m sorry to myself. My only worry is that I would develop the feeling to not want to drive at all after this. At least I can work on getting a car.
I have tried really hard not to involve you in anything I do but I ask a favor this week. I ask that all goes well at the DMV for me and Tuesday goes according to my plans.
This next month should decide how I feel about this world and wether I should continue life here.
All I needed was more fucking complications…
Self admittance, embarrassing confessions, uncharted thoughts, facing the truths of reality shattering your hopes, dreams, fantasies, your own little world and rules broken. If you can maintain your composure, remain level headed, and not let those things control your every move then you deserve my 100% respect.