I just came across my old applications to Elon University, Johnson & Wales University, and Chestnut Hill College. I remember getting these I think my junior or senior year. It all reminds me of what I could of had if I had just applied myself more to school. I’m now stuck at a tech school and I’m 22 turning 23 this coming august. I really fucked up a lot of chances for myself. I should already be in my last year of college now and should already be looking for a place of my own. Why did I have to fuck everything up? Why couldn’t I have been more aware of my actions? Finding these just opened up old wounds and with this whole moving situation I’m feeling even more stressed and emotional than ever. I hate life.
I was told 4 and not 3pm for my test. So what do I do, I show up at 4 nervous and ready to go only to find out this. All my hard work and plans this week especially tomarrow ruined. I feel like I let 3 people down. I’m sorry Mr. Ryan, I’m sorry Catherine, and I’m sorry to myself. My only worry is that I would develop the feeling to not want to drive at all after this. At least I can work on getting a car.
Self admittance, embarrassing confessions, uncharted thoughts, facing the truths of reality shattering your hopes, dreams, fantasies, your own little world and rules broken. If you can maintain your composure, remain level headed, and not let those things control your every move then you deserve my 100% respect.
I feel different towards this girl. I really like this one. I can’t seem to stop thinking about her, it’s insanity almost. I don’t know if I fully trust myself again though. I can’t be like her though. I have to be myself. I really like this one…
Only you can save me from this swirling tornado of madness inside my mind. Its not who you think it is. Its someone more closer to me than anyone else including my mother. I only hope they wont destroy me and force my hand into leaving this world.
I really really really really really want to write something about what has been making me into a bad mood this past week but what I just read just put a blanket on that flame and all that is left is just smoke and im trying not to choke on it. Some alone time is in need. Only that person who know’s me better than myself can put me in check. Damn I forgot how much I actully need you as a force in my life.
I like that I can openly and freely express my emotions without a change in character or forcing myself to do so. Sometimes though I just want to hide it away in a shell, not expressing any of it unless someone makes the effort to want to get to know me. I have never had anyone who was curios about me. If they where they didn’t express it much….
I wont be taken for granted again. I’m tired of how these new generations treat each other. What happened to putting your all into everything? What happened to really trying hard, not lying, giving a fuck. I’m tired of the lack of respect from everyone. I’m tired of this male female dominance. Get the hell over your selves. There is more to life than cocks and pussy or tits and testosterone. What ever happened to people being equal? What ever happened to not being selfish? I guess I’m just a dying breed….a dying cause.
People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings.
Is the past. You look back, wish for a few things. You look to the future for a change in what the past has made you. Your present is what you choose to try to change you at this moment. I could play Goodbye Romance by Ozzy Osbourne as my suicide song to my dealings with relationships. In fact I have listened to it numerous times. I guess I’m drawn to songs about endings and maybe my ending won’t be depressing, maybe it will be memorable. You can already tell that the innocence that was left is now gone. Transformed into this bitter, former shell of it’s self. I’m still Mark. Just not the same one that you knew. I’m not the same person I knew. I gotta get used to this new person.
How can I rub it in like that? I guess I am stll bruised from the past. I’m not physically strong right now which means everything is hitting me a little harder than normal. I feel lonely, I feel sad. Someone talk to me. I feel like crying right now. I hope I can make it through work this week. Lauren, I am sorry. You didn’t deserve what I said. I even tried to delete it because it was me only trying to vent. I did not mean harm. All I was looking for was a release of this sudden anger. I don’t even know where it came from. It’s easy to talk about the ending but I get so angry when I do….I just want to forget it….like I used to do. I am incapable of doing that now for some reason and it frustrates me. I want to be friends, I really do. You have no idea how helish my life would of been without you. Please forgive me in time.
I could appologize. But so many words have been said. I dont even know if words or actions can be as applogetic as they need to be. Yes, I am sorry my friend. I am sorry for speaking my mind. I am sorry for being myself. You probably wont accept my appology or will ever talk to me again. I can atleast say I tried to tend to the wounds.
Only you would think my emotions would be a problem. Your the reason its hard for me to freely show them in the first place. So blame your self on my emotional “problems”. If you havent noticed, im not the one who is having problems sleeping or with past ex’s who mean nothing in my life anymore and who have only caused stress for myself. Your the problematic one.
I don’t know what to write or what to complain about. Things with Tiffany are going great so far. Everything else is awesome. I get to go to the dag battle tomarrow out of state and that im sure will be fun and very exciting.